@House_Feminist

[at the library checking out a book]

[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]

[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]

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@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

@vexroid

To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.

@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

@KatelynnGelman

I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao

@LeBearGirdle

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

@ClichedOut

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows