I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?