The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
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[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
She stared at me until I paid her.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
me: mom i like this person from twitter
mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD
ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.
HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.