@Browtweaten

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

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@AlisonAgosti

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

@yab_kat

[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

@ProZD

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

@fro_vo

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

@Alex_LaVallee

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

She stared at me until I paid her.

@shamans_heal

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

@avxlanche

me: mom i like this person from twitter

mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

@illiter8too

ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.

HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.