[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”


Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.


{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.


Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.


Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”


My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”



Hello, darkness…my old friend.

HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.


Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”


32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.

I don’t have kids, did I do that right?


The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.