@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

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@Sassafrantz

Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]

@Jaywoo74

Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone
Me: MINE

@AngryRaccoon2

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

@jergarl

Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..

Wife: Fridge.

M: Shoe?

W: Fridge.

M: How did you..

W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.

M:…

W: Idiot.

@FatherWithTwins

My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

@MrsJekyllsHyde

Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer

@Smooheed

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

@AndyAsAdjective

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf