[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Confused owl: What?!
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together