[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
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If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I need better friends
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Strangers have the best candy.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!