[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?