[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”