My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away
Security Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
You guys stole those words from the dictionary.
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
DAVE: We’re having a baby
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?
Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”