[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?


wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat


Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.


Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*


I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!


This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.



DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?


Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?

Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for


Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”