[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
never ask a starfish for directions
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!