[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

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If I get married, I’d take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I’d return to pick her up.



Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.


Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.


Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.


My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her


Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.


*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time