If I get married, I’d take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I’d return to pick her up.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time