@david8hughes

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

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@TEXASVETERAN

If I get married, I’d take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I’d return to pick her up.

Maybe.

@PsstCaptain

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

@TheRolo

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

@_NTFG_

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

@DocBrown21

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

@mintchevette

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time