[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…