@warmyellowlight

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

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@msbhaven81

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

@o__0Dev

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

@goulcher

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

@LeBearGirdle

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

@Tmoney68

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@msmollybee25

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

@trevso_electric

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

@greenteam15

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A