[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Introverted vegans go meetless
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together