[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I just ran a .003048K
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
step 6: release the wall snake
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.