@ChicksRule

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

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@bridger_w

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

@ItsAllCrazyToMe

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

@GrantTanaka

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

@putyoursisterd1

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

@thechrisschmidt

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

@mattZillaaaa

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

@duumb

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

@jackiembouvier

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

@MavenofHonor

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse