(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Lol.