[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.