@nimble__nick

*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.

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@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@iwearaonesie

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

@stockejock

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

@BobGolen

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

@NurseMurderer

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

@Papa_Mex

-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ 3 AM ]

Friend: I got a flat and I’m stranded

Me: Do you have snacks in your car?

Friend: No

Me: *Hangs up

@AmericanGent69

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

@mlevchin

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.