[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
You Might Also Like
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Fiction has to make sense.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
awkward
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct