[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
favorite tropes as memes
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.