[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.


“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”


Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.


Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:


A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.


The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”


A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.


My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.


chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?