Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
The booster protects against what, now?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last