At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.