[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.