At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.