At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
A double negative is a big no-no.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors