[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
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Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.