[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.