[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
man i love columbo
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again