[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.


Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.


“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?


You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it


I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.


Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.


Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.