@Reverend_Scott

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

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@geekysteven

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

@SaltyCorpse

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

@imence2

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

@mexinonblonde

You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it

@Rollinintheseat

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

@Darlainky

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.