[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.


Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.


*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*


I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.


By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers


Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.

Now its coffee after 5 pm.


PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!


Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.