Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Not having sex till I have kids
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.