@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

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@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

@mommajessiec

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

@NewDadNotes

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

@WGladstone

“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”

@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

@JaySuch

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

@neiltyson

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.