at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.


Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.


[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries


“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”


Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again


My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.


To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.


You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.