at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking


They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong


If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank


*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*

*Turns to GF*

“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”


[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND


Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside


FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.


If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.


It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.


How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.