@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

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@Smooheed

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

@_elvishpresley_

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

@DrTster

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

@Mikecanrant

*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*

*Turns to GF*

“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”

@toomanycommas3

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

@urfavoritejoel

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

@Staggfilms

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

@13spencer

If you’re walking down the street and see a teenager, don’t panic; just yell “One Direction selfie twerk” and slip away in the confusion.

@mommajessiec

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

@kendragaylord

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.