[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.