Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
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A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Cop: license and registration
Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship