@StarWarsProblms

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

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@sixfootcandy

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

@LurkAtHomeMom

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

@lifeadvice_4you

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes ūüôā

@astutenewf

Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.

@BoogTweets

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship