[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.


The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)


[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?


[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on


My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.


There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.


Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.


the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.


Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.


911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back