I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back