[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Looking at you, Jesus.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.