@liltiddygothgf3

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

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@jellybnbonanza

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

@reesespiece_

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

@Angibangie

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

@Shenaniglenns

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

@shesananteater

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

@MikeCanRant

There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

@sistersleaze

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

@TheBigBatman

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

@LlamaInaTux

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back