@ElgatoEsmio

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

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@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

@LindaInDisguise

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

@daddydoubts

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@TheBoydP

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.

@envydatropic

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

@ColoradoUgly

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.