Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?
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I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.