At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.