At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Meow
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.