The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
anyone else like Italian cereal
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
A dad and his duck
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William