If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Me: The force is strong with this one
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
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Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we’ve never met
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?