@squirrel74wkgn

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

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@Wine_Charmer

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

@indiedaylie

Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

@huynhable

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

@4SLars

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

@HallowedCrow

DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.

@Social_Mime

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

@MissHavisham

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

@UniqueDude2

my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we’ve never met

@Skoogeth

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?