[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.