[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants