“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”