[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.