[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.


Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.


Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.


Dogs have unique nose prints. You think I’m playfully booping a snoot, but I’m actually collecting data for my real mission: framing dogs for crimes


Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”


5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp


Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”


“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born


*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message