@MaybePileJokes

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

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@Tmoney68

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

@copymama

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

@Lovestained555

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

@GrowlyGrego

Dogs have unique nose prints. You think I’m playfully booping a snoot, but I’m actually collecting data for my real mission: framing dogs for crimes

@jordan_stratton

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

@MUMSIEesq

5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp

@dmc1138

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

@Benoo_Brown

“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born

@tastefactory

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message