*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.