The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
FRED: right
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.