[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here

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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.


[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol


Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”


there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”


There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.


Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess


“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*


Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.


CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.