@CornOnTheGoblin

[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here

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@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

@SardonicTart

[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol

@Try2StopME

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

@YuckyTom

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

@philco816

There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.

@AmericanGent69

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

@DanMentos

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

@Awesome_Todd

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

@nimble__nick

CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.