[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

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I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*


You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!


The best part about being single is only having to say “I’m sorry” to the dog.


Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?


Zelda: Why aren’t you mowing the lawn?

Link: It’s raining

Z: No it’s not

L: *Plays Song of Storms*

Z: You’re sleeping with Epona tonight


If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”


If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.


People keep asking me today “So you have a new boss?” No, I’m still with my wife.


Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.