[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
oppen heimer style lol
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
is nasa ok
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
haha same