@david8hughes

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

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@StarksWeek

I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@drayzze

The best part about being single is only having to say “I’m sorry” to the dog.

@GrowlyGrego

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

@SteveDutzy

Zelda: Why aren’t you mowing the lawn?

Link: It’s raining

Z: No it’s not

L: *Plays Song of Storms*

Z: You’re sleeping with Epona tonight

@Pirate_nurse

If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”

@MasterOfFury

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

@TheRealHoff10

People keep asking me today “So you have a new boss?” No, I’m still with my wife.

@JUSTLisandra

Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.