At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?