[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
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I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
#CatsOnTwitter
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”