{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…