Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs