my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now
Subway: so no extra cheese?
Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol
You Might Also Like
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
– First day of College
– Dorm meeting
Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.
CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.
The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters