At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol

You Might Also Like


my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”


In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”


– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?



I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.


If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.


AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.


The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”


My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.


First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos


ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters