@DaddyJew

At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol

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@cellapaz

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

@JimGaffigan

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

@OakHill_

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

@inikoblue

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

@geekysteven

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

@ArielSElias

AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.

@RSF788

The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”

@DevilryFun

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

@flashember

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters