At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
i prefer mine room temperature.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.