At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
You Might Also Like
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
why I oughta
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’