At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
You Might Also Like
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Otters see a butterfly.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.