I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
You Might Also Like
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I love you…
…r dog.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
lost dog
*pronounces fake like saké*
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”