@portmanteauface

At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

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@RachelMComedy

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

@usermcuserface

A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@jngraphs

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

@Donnie_Fairburn

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

@sparticus_af

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

@Crunk_Jews

[blind date]

Her: I was so scared you’d be a weirdo

Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU

@GuyThe_Guy

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

@1ofthe7dwarves

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway