At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
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Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…